Last year was my busiest year when it comes to the amount of high school seniors I was blessed with photographing. With this being my profession, I went into every session as any other session. Taking the photos all at the best locations, uploading them as quick as I could for the families and sending them the link to their online gallery. Rinse and repeat. I was also blessed with taking photos of my own senior and to be honest, it was the same. Take the photos, edit and upload. Was I going through the motions or was I just in denial?
Now that my senior has been accepted to college, everything has changed. I mean EVERYTHING. I wish I could go back in time and do the session all over again but this time more slow and with more intention. Soaking in the final moments of his last year as a kid. My kid. But I cant, none of us can go back. We can only go forward. As unimaginable as it seems right? How can we move forward when a piece of us is not under the same roof? How can we move forward when we don't have to drive them to all the things, or take them to the doctor anymore, or even sit in the stands and cheer them on? This is by far one of the hardest parts of parenting. One moment you are complaining about the rushing around going here and there and the next you are literally crying at the computer writing a blog about their last year at home. (what can I say - I cry ALOT these days)
I am feeling all the emotions of not only him spreading his wings but mom guilt is alot of it too. "Did I spend enough time with him?" "Man, I wish I didnt miss that game." "I cant believe I complained about that - now time is gone"
I am also praying that I dont now suffocate my youngest with myself. I am feeling like I need to cling to her more because now I actually know what senior year feels like. I am going to have to try and make sure that I dont hold her too tight because of my own feelings.
One other thing this past month has really shown me is that I need to make a choice. Time is fleeting. We say it. We may believe it but until you actually go through it, you dont really actually understand it. Its just a phrase until it becomes reality and this is now my reality. So I made the decision that I need to be present more. I dont want to miss any of his last high school lacrosse games that start earlier than end of work day. I want to make sure I make every pre college visit. Currently, he has been taking my daughter to school and she goes to after school care. I want to be the parent and bring her and I dont want someone else watching my kid. I will be going through this all over in 10 years and I do NOT want to miss one second of it. So, I am leaving the corporate world and doing photography full time. How? I have no idea.....hopefully all your support and referrals but I am doing it nonetheless. My business is my time freedom and that is more time with my kids.
I also walked into the house the other day and realized, those pics I took of him. The last year before adulthood - I dont see ANY of them. They hang out in my phone. Just sitting there. I realized how important decorating my home with intention is now becoming. So I ordered up some amazing prints of my kids and they are going up on the wall tomorrow.
When I walk into my home, I want all the noise to shut off. I want my phone to be put away and I want to see their beautiful faces first thing......even when they are no longer physically there. I want the same for all my high school senior parents so my business model is changing. I now personally KNOW how important every single senior session is and no more will it be rinse and repeat.........
and I hope there are no typos because I literally cant see through the mound of tears.
